Just an Ordinary Washing Machine

2012-03-04T01:46:00.001+08:00

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that is because of "you"
True or not.....whatever that he told me~
All I got to say is that you are very ignorant and ridiculous for even thinking it this way...if that's the reason for you treating me the way you have been treating me...I feel sorry....not for myself...but for you.

come at me bro!

2012-03-02T01:20:00.000+08:00

Enough is Enough.....

like what Kennedy said "Don't be friends lor"

I see no point trying to save this friendship (if ever consider one)

why must I be the one to say sorry when you are the one assuming?!?!

whats the use of trying?! I try to contain myself....

yet....

OH NVM!

~a Loser in the eyes of others~

what to do?!.....
sigh.....

Simple Lessons of Life.....

2012-02-29T01:05:00.001+08:00

who says you can't learn anything else in the gym besides muscles and iron weight?
this gym instructor came to us a few times at the gym and taught us the correct method....
he kept asking... what is our aim in training ? and gave tips about some of the things that we were doing.
At the end of our gym session....we talk to him.....
learn something new......
never challenge the circumstance....also remember to ask yourself...."am I pushing myself to my limits?" or
remind yourself that it is you and only you that you are challenging to push myself further!
Uncle Chan said that...too many time...people challenge the weights...they end up with injury, weird structure and become even weaker....he told us that in the Gym....the best way is to challenge oneself to his limits so that he can grow stronger. Situations beyond our own limits will only make us weaker~
He also told us that Balance is key.....reason with many Singaporean fail to be top athletes because they fail to balance their body....he gave an example.... no point scoring As for three of your best subjects and end up scoring below average for the others...a balance student is a good student.
Good lesson that I learn....actually I am looking forward to him teaching us how to train properly and get that Gold IPPT!!!!

trying my best to study.....
hopefully I can make it....
sometimes...I hope my parents and grandma will start treating me like a 17 year old.....
i try to be close to them.....but someone....they treat me like a primary school kid....
kept telling me that I didn't study hard for O levels and kept telling me about my failures more than before....
wish it could change....for once...believe me that I can achieve something......
when I become a parent myself....hopefully I will be better than them.
quite hard to be positive in a negative environment...
my home is hot and cold....
I can only stop and wonder why~

finally told one of my friend about how I felt towards my Secondary School life....
I admit it....I TOTALLY HATED MY UPPER SECONDARY YEARS....
I tried to be a Nice guy....but others don't seem to like me either.....
sigh.....negative as it may be....I will still try to keep that smile and remain positive!
"Because you don't deny the things people say, you go along with it thinking that people will know that you are not. But it's not working right? "
what am I suppose to do back then? FIGHT BACK?
maybe I am a Coward and a prisoner to my own insecurities.....
at least some people know that deep down...
I am not that bad as those who claim I am to be.....
Yes I may have my obvious flaws....but why is it they judge that side?
gonna heck the past and look forward to my future school.....
New Environment...New Place....New Friends......
AN OLD DESTINY RE-IGNITED

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

gonna stand up for myself.....

A cow I shall not be!

2012-02-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

slowly.....praying and waiting on the lord....
your presence is all that I need!
been playing guitar for the past two days....
felt better after each time....
gonna practice more!!!
need to be someone who escort the presence of God to people....
I need to improve on my guitar!!!!

you are cute!....just saying :)

Godly Lesson.....

2012-02-17T01:45:00.001+08:00

Jeremy Lin...
Feeling so happy for him!! Patience and Hardwork pays off!!!
His Faith is really....unshakable, if I were to put myself into his shoes....I rather switch career and be so businessman!
just a simple story of an underdog......
After reading all the things about him....
no matter what...
Keep having Faith in God!!!

Pretty much like my story....
one huge setback and I am like.... lifeless and lose all drive to be better than myself...
now that such a beautiful story surface! God is good!
whenever I have a major setback....
will try to remind myself of J Lin!
because he was a man who work hard!
had his dream far away....but he continue to work and believing towards it....
also...he took the little opportunity he was given and made it big!

A testimony that I am excited to read/hear about it!
if such things can happen to him.....
I believe mine will come....

Colossians 3:23

just like what Dwight Howard said " In the bible, Faith without works is nothing. You can believe that you will be the best, but without hardwork...there is nothing"

giving 2012 a real shot!
FIGHTING!

a new journey I embark on.....

2012-02-16T01:12:00.000+08:00

EXCITED IS THE ONLY WORD TO DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS NOW!
just apply for SIM.....hopefully they accept me...otherwise....there goes my $85.60 as well as 2 years in NP. My prayers were kind of unanswered in a totally different way.....wanted a brand new start, thought it would be JC, but I guess like what others told me " God has another plan for you..." took me quite some time to accept this. Glad that I am looking forward to this year! :) TRUST IN GOD ALL OVER AGAIN.....

Right now....just enjoying my holidays and trying to lose those fats man! found an effective way to lose it! FOCUS!!!! RUN RUN RUN RUN.....IS A DISCIPLINE AND COMMITMENT....I must be successful!!! I have to!!

Been catching my bros in action on the basketball court! congratulations to their 7 Straight WINS! made me miss playing competitive basketball! seeing their passion and determination stirs me up also!! they have my support all the way! in both basketball and studies! looking forward to many more years ahead with them! LOVE THEM LIKE FAMILY! beauty of brotherhood and loyalty.....miss hanging out with them.

Since Valentine Day happened recently.....
I had a nice day to relax with my good friend! sometimes...got to take some time to slow down and enjoy life...the process....not about the result most of the time. One year older...starting to look at relationship with a deeper meaning, oh well....still waiting for the right girl ( Hopefully)......

Still learning to be a better man each day....
even with all that has happened with many different people.....
nothing I much I can do to go back to the days, I just have to look ahead and hope that somehow...things will be fine to rebuild the relationship back to the old times but only different.

"We are born into a life full of struggles...even though we are on God's side, Life is still goes on for everyone....because God is a good God....he wants us to know that we have the power of choice. "
Greatest of all is Love!

I rely on you.....

2012-02-11T03:05:00.000+08:00

still no really used to reading twitter and facebook updates about JC life.........
though I am okay now going into poly....
I am one jealous boy.......
but is alright......
I guess God does have other plans for me....his ways are higher than mine!

Jeremy Lin is my favourite player now in the NBA......
his videos made my day...
gonna believe for something good....
can't wait to get started in poly!

may the lord be with me and the devil behind me!

开心就好

2012-02-07T03:00:00.001+08:00

Even though right now...the future seems dull for me....I still choose to believe that one day...I will be someone that helps people. I just have to trust in God and have faith.....

O levels taught me many things! Especially after results....posting...and all....though it may be a hard fall but I think I better if I learn it this way...call me a leopard...cause I don't like changing spots.

Faith without works is nothing...no point confessing for something and not working for it.....
I am my greatest enemy!....
is okay to have emotional struggle with God,is where we know that we are human and we have the freedom to choose....
Trusting in God is harder than it seems ...
After the hardwork, is okay to feel tired..cos God will give you your meal and send you back.....
Lastly...trusting him all over again despite the never ending failures.

This year's Valentines day will be special for me! Hopefully it will go well! I am ready to have a good time! It will be Legend....Dary!

Gonna exercise!!!! Thinking of ways to slim down! I need to fit in to my awesome clothes! Can't continue to dress like an uncle already!

Beautiful Sunday Morning

2012-02-05T08:57:00.001+08:00

In the MRT alone now....been a long time since I have been on a ride alone....slowing down and think about life.

Looking forward to service today man!
A day where I can think about life.

I guess whatever happened between that friend of mine...is for the best of both us. Typical of me....not wanting to commit too much into something, don't wanna give false hope to her. Don't really know how to draw the line correctly but....whatever it is 对不起. I don't think that will change anything between us but...oh well.

Relationships

2012-02-04T02:33:00.001+08:00

The month of January has been very tough on me.
Let's list it all
1:My unexpected/dream shattering/devastating O level result
2:Having to forget the though about JC life.
3:No power in choosing the course I want.
4:No calls by the JPSAE for interview but a bunch of prank calls.
5:Posted to Nursing
6:Unable to appeal to ILSCM.
7:Close friend become a rather cold person towards me
8:Seeing friends starting JC
9:Friends entering course they wanted
10:Friends entering into the course I wanted
11:Chances of appealing...close to Zero
12:Private diploma, but told not being able to enter local Uni which leads to another dream being shattered
13:Being compared to my cousin Ting Ting who is in Hwa Chong now.
14:Grandma and Parents starting to say that I didn't work hard for O levels.

Here is my confession....
I hate God....I hate myself for being a Christian....tracing back into my life!
I became a Christian in P5....that was the year where my results went the opposite direction...i kept telling myself that I would be somewhere by now if I didn't go to church....maybe like my primary school friends and not waking up early every Sunday morning....guess I am super frustrated and felling ultimately unjustified for my sacrifices to God!......of all people...why me? Why me? I feel like crap every morning....
Many times...I tried to tell myself to trust in God after each fall....from PSLE.....to DPA....to O levels....to JAE....to JPSAE....I am deeply disappointed by what has happened...

Here is my decision after weeks of struggle.....
God....I decided to trust in you again....I know is difficult and draining...but right now...you are all I have left...my name is nothing but mere mud...make me a diamond that shines! Provide me a path that I can take to glorify your holy name.

Gonna trust in God again......

Seeing others

2012-02-02T03:37:00.003+08:00

These days, reading twitter and Facebook updates discourage me......
My dream of having a JC life is destroyed....and seeing my peers being added to orientation groups in different JCs as well as tweeting about JC life...made me regret on the many things that I have done and did not do.
Even my friends who are going to POLY have what they want!....here I am...being posted to some rubbish course and appealing to another lesser, but still rubbish course in Poly!
One year later....I don't really know how to look back at myself and say something good. Can't believe that I compromise myself to such an extent and yet....I still have to go lower....
For once, can I study something I want to study for?
If not....I will choose the path that I never expect myself to do.... "private school"
That means....I give up the chance of studying in a local university....sigh.....how many more of my dream do I have to give up?
I am feeling so frustrated and angry.....at myself....I need help!
Anyway....I am truly happy for my friends who go to where they want! Kudos to your hard work! As it paid off! Keep working!

Sometimes....I can't help but to wonder...
Where is God?
Where is he?
I know that he is here with me...but why isn't he answering my prayers?
Do I have to continue being tested?
I can keep waiting.....my miracle will come....it will be soon!

If you want to play a childish game...then...continue what you are doing, because let me make it clear to you...I have no mood to play this stupid game u are playing! Grumble for all I care.

If......

2012-02-02T03:37:00.001+08:00

I think tml's dinner, if we happen to talk about my future, I may just cry.

Awesome?

2012-01-29T23:02:00.001+08:00

Been feeling happier by the days!
Relying on God everyday despite the current situation! Thank God for my family members as well as awesome friends to spend my time with!!

Should stop being lazy and start my letter!!! Argh!!! Tml after receiving my result then I decide...once again...is about trust as well as works! Cos faith without works is nothing!!

Looking forward to settle down my course and then enjoy the holidays before poly starts! Excited to meet new people and have a brand new environment to enjoy! A new start! Unexpected but is gonna be great!!
My heart told me so!

两位男生，两个不同生日。
All in all, speechless and not a single comment.

Where ur heart is, there will be your treasure also!

Family

2012-01-22T12:24:00.001+08:00

I think, if my results is good, I would still be the same man.....
After Friday, I thank God for my results.....yes it may be bad, really hopeless and so on
But somehow I feel closer to my family members and a bond I have never felt since I was a little boy.
Just my family's presence makes my heart much more peaceful and calm.
Also....I became even closer to my Brother! I always thought he was okay but he shared some of his own personal feelings with me.....and he still believe in me that I can succeed like any other people will.
Maybe my results may not turn out the way I wanted it to be....but at least something changed within my heart and my family which I believe will last a lifetime till eternity!

Learning to trust

2012-01-21T13:48:00.001+08:00

Feeling like a baby Christian again....
Appreciating the little things and all.
Re-igniting the faith inside of me....
This Chinese New Year is gonna be my second chance start for this new year!
Whenever negative thoughts enter my mind....I just recite... "I rely on you God" immediately...I feel secure.
Gonna take this plunge with you!!!!

Weeeeeeee

2012-01-19T21:47:00.001+08:00

I thought I knew what was the plan for me!! And now....I don't know what to expect out of myself anymore!!!
Words of encouragement can be given to me....but it ain't patching things up!
I tried my best to trust....but each time...I grow deeper...into agony! Even when period I am waiting for that phone call!!! Many unnecessary call came!!! Just like during the DPA period....why?!?!?!?!?

Feeling screwed!
Ask and you shall received!
But where is the fresh start I wanted?

2012-01-15T00:47:00.001+08:00

I am feeling like a nobody now...
My life story is kind of messed up!!!!
Wish I could just tell someone about my life....and how I hate it!!
But then again....is where I found myself getting stronger after each fall...
Yesterday's cell group....I almost wanted to cry from beginning to the end...I feel so useless....
God...help me...

Happy birthday to me

2012-01-12T11:52:00.001+08:00

Today is like any other ordinary day....nothing much

2012-01-10T02:19:00.001+08:00

I don't know what to feel now....hate it...Nightmares of PSLE brought forward to the present. This time...it multiplied

第一段

2012-01-07T02:26:00.001+08:00

新年来了
一个新的开始
我要用今年来让我自已改变.....

For now....a simple resolution will do...
"To be a person I want to be...a nicer one"
I can do it...am already working on it now....hope it is improving by the days.

This is probably the best China trip I have so far! Besides the shopping...I notices a lot of things. The sad and the happy...made quite furious about some of u friends who stereotype about the Chinese...because of the little girl who got ran over by the car and nobody helps....and saying that all China people are like that..they are sooo wrong! I have a baby cousin and my aunt have to push the stroller...times we have to get down the stairs...alot of them offered help..even though the metal bars of the stroller can literally freeze ur fingers risking a frostbite. There are many instant where the people are helpful to one another...a culture that I should adopt...besides the point...I feel quite lucky to be where I am today...people in China...are really living day by day, always worrying the next meal...not even the next day. The weather makes it a never ending whammy!!!! Really hurts my heart to see...but opened up my eyes to the cold world.

Been behaving a little anxious and worried....results results results...fearing that I will not meet the expectation of my parents but most importantly....fearing not to have the brand new start I wanted so badly for myself....my own expectations! Feeling a little bit depressed at times alone...not knowing what to do if my results really happens to be CMI....basically....I just got reminded of all the mental torture I felt when I got my PSLE...the moment went your life felt like it lost its very beat to keep on moving on. I am just so scared....

Wanted to cut off all connections with everyone for the last five days of my trip...didn't tweet anything except reply to my bro or post anything on Facebook except the reply to OCH. Other than that...contacting anyone....I didn't..except someone send me a message of "Hi" and I let my guard down.

Things may not go the way I am expecting it to be....
But make my life count.
That's all I can ever ask right?

New Thought

2011-12-31T03:32:00.000+08:00

There will always be something better out there.....

this thought has destroyed many lives....in terms of relationships....

I believed that one of the main reasons out there that many people are single in their adulthood

is due to this reason.....always waiting for the "perfect" one that suits them

Is normal to have the desire to look for "the one"

marriage is no joke at all......of course one must be picky....

but from this....

I learnt something about love.....

LOVE got to be unconditional....

is all about sacrificing.....

if someone who is willing to give up on the thought of "something better"

and commit himself/herself into the relationship....

I really admire them.....

true that he/she may not be the better one that you are gonna meet.....

willing to give up all just for them...

basically....

I guess that....

loving someone is difficult....

you struggle so much with insecurities.....

and trust is hard to build....

takes time....

a intimate relationship is also a committed one....

waiting for the "better one" to enter my life.....

with this post....

I think I will close the year 2011....

which has been tough....

mentally,physically and spiritually....

still fighting for the breakthrough.....

but is all good....

guess a new year gives me a brand new start for all things wrong to be right....

chapter 17 is about to start.....

thanks to all my friends who believed in me......

even when the vast majority look at me differently....

ENJOYING BEIJING AND ALL THE BEST TO MY RESULTS!

2011-12-24T02:06:00.001+08:00

Wanted to ask you out.....but you are busy. Guess my Christmas eve is gonna be forever alone!!

Rest....

2011-12-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

the "holidays" just started for me...
given a choice....
I rather not work!
after a hectic year
all I wanna do is to have nothing to do at all!
the sensational feeling of voidness! (we all got to admit...nothing is sometimes better than everything)
but since I made a pledge...I have to honour my words...
the amount pushed me to my limits...
these past week...
I hated every single morning! I hate working....
the things I have been doing....really sucks....
remind me to study harder next year.....to have a better life!
i neglected almost every single ounce of my soul!
my spiritual life mess up big time!
felt super dry and empty inside of my heart.....
and I let something close to me slip away.....
I became someone whom I do not want to be....
looking back these past three weeks....
I became very Skeptical about the people I know....
openly and secretly....
before this year end....
I want to set things right....
Starting from me....
apologizing to all those that I talk about....
true that the points I talk about you all are really points that I personally do not adore but everyone of us is unique and thats the fact I have to instill into my brian.....
as much as the bad....I forgotten about the Good....so for that....I am sorry in every single way possible.

with Jonathan gone.....
I don't really know how I can help the cell group and the zone.
am really doing less than what I did two years back.....
feeling useless at times
but is alright....I am still trusting God for a path to walk on...not taking the easy way out
really excited to be serving for children church this friday....
miss the good old times with Kids....
why did I leave such a wonderful ministry....
oh well....never too late to find back that "love"

I do not believe in happy endings...
but that doesn't mean I should stop fighting in life....

2011-12-13T23:18:00.001+08:00

if Guys are supposed to treat girls right.....
why can't girls return the favour and treat Guys right too!

goodnight!

just some other ordinary dude

2011-12-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

Receiving of gifts!!!

one of the love languages out of the main 5....

but....looking at friends around me.....

receiving gifts for their birthdays....

getting presents from friends after their overseas trip....

my heart kind of sank....

nothing wrong with that....

just being human....was looking forward from someone to give me something....

but nah, nothing.....nothing at all was given....guess I am just feeling jealous of those around me....

wishes that I think is a million miles away from happening....

glad that I can contribute in buying presents for my friends....

oh well....

we are all human no matter what.....

not really looking forward to my 17th Birthday......

feel like spending it alone....

my birthday wish....

is to really be the person that I want to be....and for people to accept for the man I choose to be...

simply....

acceptance and understanding.....

Looking forward to the Beijing trip....

I want to temporary severe all ties with everyone

and enjoy myself!

it has been a long time since I have such an opportunity like this.....

no worrying about what is there to do in my future....

I really don't know and I can only be scared of it....

the problem with this world is whenever....

we step out in faith getting to know things...

in the end....

all we can find is broken pieces of glasses piercing deep into our hearts

yes it hurts.....true that tears may flow....

but thats where compassion emerges out of the darkness into the light

where you understand that you can heal the wound of many in this broken world we all live in even when you are feeling pain..

My feelings

2011-12-06T08:05:00.001+08:00

我对你的感情已经没有了。。。
Am happy that you and I will remain as friends....don't wanna complicate things.

as time goes....

2011-12-05T00:29:00.000+08:00

When she ask me how am I on tuesday....

I don't really know how to reply her....

there is a million and one thoughts running through my mind.....

all I can say is that I am feeling rather lost....

in my train of thoughts....in my emotion and also the things I am doing....

don't really know what am I doing now.....

but what I do know is that....

as time goes....the phrase "less of you and more of others" is true....
I am still learning every step of the way....
struggling with my own identity with God....but thank God for Steve Munsey to remind me to never forget who I am......
still a little confused about my feelings.....
from the tweets....smses....to the updates....everyone of them seems to affect me....
oh well....
what can i say? you got me real bad....
gonna give myself some air to breathe....

Now that prom is over.....
i can say that my secondary school life is officially over!
looking forward to next year!
I hope that I won't have the same judgmental environment.....
in AES....is really....sigh....
but still people there are good :)
pain as it maybe....but joyful it has been.

choices have consequences.......
before you make them...
are you ready to live with them....

2011-12-03T21:01:00.001+08:00

Can I just walk in front of you
tell you right in your face
That I do not like you going out with them.

Because you are making me jealous....
"That should be me "my heart says

On the other hand...I am also not sure of my feelings for you and what my heart says about you....may be this is what they say....that temporary "butterfly in your stomach" feeling that everyone will go through.

Only God and time will reveal the truth soon....hopefully.

Random thought

2011-12-02T02:07:00.001+08:00

Love is always selfish!!!
Let's be practical!
Even God himself is selfish when it comes to love.....

Does God want to share your love with The Devil?

No!!!! He wants you all to himself and to tell you that with him....greater things have yet to come.....

In order to pursue love....in a sense....you got to be selfish towards people/situation

deep conversation.....

2011-11-26T02:01:00.001+08:00

Guess the goofy part of me pushes everyone away to find the deep part of me that just want to talk about life......
Just when my O levels end....there is NS that take away the time. Guess I am alone now....like Elisha....walking down on future path.....with almost no one to share thoughts with....the non-judgmental ambience you have created....oh how I long for it now.

My goal for next year is to be a more serious person...someone that the younger people can look up to and someone that older people can rely on.......

This holiday is kind of boring.....
I wanna go beijing ASAP.......really miss having a carefree life!

Mean time....
Work hard, give up things, lean unto God and live life!

Danielle

2011-11-25T01:58:00.001+08:00

one of the most hardworking secondary three student i have ever known!
I believe one day she can go to a better JC than AC......RI seems to suit her very well.
hahaha
anyway....
was pretty and still awesome of her to pick up the challenge to plan one whole event by herself....
I did not even help her anything much and whatever she did so far was very good! beyond my own expectations!!!
So here is to Danielle *carry imaginary COLA* cheers!
Known you since I was Primary 5!
Looking forward to help you run the whole "show" I am sure that it will be superb!! Mark my words haha.

After working....
Finally understood why parents always tell us to work hard and do something that we enjoy.....
More about it in time to come ;)

Can't believe I am blogging on the train going towards pioneer! Hahaha

Graduate lo

2011-11-19T18:26:00.001+08:00

Graduation night was really good!
The speech by my principal and seeing my friends in uniform.....I am sure to miss the times I had in this school be it good or bad.

Had an awesome chalet with my buddies! Really fun to hang out with them :) memories like that I will keep it close to my heart.

When we officially graduated.....
I did not cried or nothing.....wasn't really emotional or anything....I can see people crying and all....but I wasn't....was literally speechless during that moment.

Guess I am kind of flying solo now on....not looking forward to my future.....hope that I won't be as lost as I felt when I collected my PSLE result....very afraid...but once again....who isn't worried that things might not go the way you wanted it to be.

Just another moment in life for me to think what I have been through....maybe I will write sermon to empower myself :)

2011-11-16T21:30:00.001+08:00

What am I supposed to do?
I just have to make things complicated....
I am rather Sui la.....
Of all the mistakes I can make....
The ones that I make always have the most extreme consequences....

Read the tweets and I know that is all about me....nothing much I can do to change what has already been done.
Guess I pretty messed things up...
Was about to blog about today but since this happened....it pretty much summarised the whole planning thing.

Last paper.....

2011-11-15T01:15:00.001+08:00

Time flies! The moment of hell is going to be over....the light at the end of the tunnel is peeping through and I can already smell freedom!
I got to say.... O levels is truly something! The number times I felt down and out....countless!

The reason I am still staying positive....is really thanks to this bunch of people who constantly remind me what I can do......

Miss Chye, I got to admit....I kept sharing the endless negative thought and she never fails to get me back up on my feet to try again.....teachers beyond the call.

Jonathan....believing in me in whatever I do....even when I told him about me getting what I should get...he reminded me of the presence of grace. I should not lose hope :)

Edeline, this sister of mine ( always wanted a sister, sorlee Dean) kept asking me how are my papers and entertain me during times when I feel super lazy or after a tiring paper. Really keeps me going through this period.

Lastly....this new friend of mine Gernelle. Though we only get to know each other two weeks before my Os....she has been encouraging me to own my papers! Ask about my papers as well as sending timely SMSes to wish me all the best. Also telling me that I am disciplined and all....haha true to a certain extent...but really appreciate her actions! Indeed....freedom lingers around me....I can almost taste it.

Also, thank you to the many others who “tweet-courage” me , wishing me and praying for me. Each and everyone of you have touched my heart deeply.

All in all.....I guess the season I have been through taught me something very important and valuable....the caring system....people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care......I just wanna say....I appreciate you care and concern for me through one of my darkest period in my life this far......

After Tml's paper.....I am gonna leave it into his hands....whats done is already done....I can only hope for the best!

Friends.....taking life into endless paradise!

2011-11-13T21:49:00.001+08:00

When I look around me.....
The sight of my peers getting attached at all at such a age....makes me wonder how it feels like to be in a relationship...the feeling of being "special" to another person....even if the results is a break up or whatsoever I still wonder how it feels like....hmmmmmm. Like what I told my pal....I am the typical guy who is afraid of commitment....or maybe I have not meet the one yet? But this thought keeps floating in my mind...."how does it feels like to be in a relationship" perhaps I do not have the chance to know it during my teenage years....and also I do not want to break any girls heart (not really worth it)....but I believe that someday....we will come to have the fuzzy feeling deep inside out heart :) right now....let me just enjoy singleness to prepare myself for a commitment as well as serving to the best of my abilities and acting on grace!

The power to do beyond my natural ability!

Nothing is perfect

2011-11-13T03:05:00.001+08:00

One thing my parents had taught me.....
To love unconditionally....as unreasonable as they can be....
They try their best for the best of me. Though I may not show it but my heart speaks a million thanks for them.....although I have to admit that there were countless times I was furious with them and many more to come....but I learn how to forgive and let go! Even without their support in their many things in my own dreams....I still believe that somehow or rather....they support me in something else. Even though I may received unfair treatment at times....
Is still part and parcel of life...I can't blame anyone for being born into this family....but I can make my purpose worth while. I love my parents! Without conditions! True to a large extent "is harder to love people inside than outside." I am just trying to seek a balance....my parents are right to some point but they way they present their points to me...totally irks me....but on the other hand...it taught me to be patience and love more.

I jus pray that I release all the pain, anger, resentment and suffering into God's hand. Handle my problems.....guide me to walk in ur light.

Don't really care what others think of me.....as long as I am true to myself.

The words that kills

2011-11-09T00:13:00.001+08:00

Told the truth to my dear friend....
Kind of hurts to see how others being misunderstood....
Maybe is true that in the past...there are some mistakes here and there but....what else can we do? We were all young once! Mistakes come and go! We can't be perfect! It is inherent that such circumstances will unveil itself....some people are really Soo judgmental and unfeeling...I pity them! But from another point of view...I can feel for them...who on earth would like to blame themselves for destroying their own future? Even the strongest will fall!! I don't really care who is at fault in the past....but whoever is at fault now is certainly the one who dwells in the history to create new geography in a relationship!

Times like this....reminds me to be more sensitive to the things happening around me....simple jokes can end up a huge "joke".....no matter what are the outcomes....Always remember to stick to your core values....these basic fundamentals will help inspire, motivate and break away from the bondages of hopelessness!

True friends are hard to find!
I would kill to have friends like mine hahaha...oh well

Am I really of no value?

2011-11-08T00:42:00.001+08:00

An intended happy family steamboat....
Ruin thanks to the words of others.
Am I really a man of no values to my parents????
I cannot fathom on how the world revolves!!!!
Even my family members doubt me!
I wish I can live alone for awhile and maybe they will understand me much better?!
Friends in school calls me "P" but I don't know why? I always respect the opposite gender. There you have some random acting gay/alien crap....just touch them and yet I am called those names.....why me? It is so unfair!!!! Sometimes I wish I could just live a below average life....so that even when I screw things up....people will just ignore.....argh!!!!
Really rather pissed with the people around me....
How can you raise me for 16years and say that I do not have values!? Can I say that is the teachers fault! Then is ur fault then!

I try my best to be a nice guy....
Yet the things that I expected always turns out to be the extreme negative....sometimes I wonder to myself....why am I trying to change for the better when I know people are gonna say things? Makes me wanna give up and be a mean person...
But the deep voice tells me to do the right thing and not what's trending....true to a point, rewarding to a certain level but price to pay is one that breaks ur heart to a million pieces

I was being a jerk!

2011-11-05T01:03:00.001+08:00

After much thought and reading....I realized that whatever I did today....I was being a total Jerk!!! How can I not think about the consequence....and just say it out....I am truly sorry to my friend...I wasn't being a true gentlemen....I am going to treat you nicely from now on! I will put aside the ego...and stand up for you! I did not mean to hurt you my dear friend! I will try my best alright?

Still a regular dude who is still learning every step of the way

Consistency

2011-11-01T00:12:00.001+08:00

Going through O levels made me realized that I kind of screwed up my chances to study....here I am doing last minutes stuff....gosh....nothing much I can do to change myself....but what I can do is to impact others after me to not choose the path that I have chosen.....given a chance I don't think I will take the path if I know it is going to hurt like mad...both inside and outside....but nonetheless....is the choice I have made and I shall be totally responsible for my decisions.....the sentence...“strengthen your brethren ” still resonates in my conscious....

Iron sharpens iron

2011-10-31T01:16:00.001+08:00

I wish I could stay the same old me....
But I realized that the grass is greener on the other side and I have to kind of “Force” myself to enlarge my capacity to contain....many parts of me got to go....Dedicating something deep inside of me to the highest.....
I don't really know what is installed for me....
Part of me says I can have it while the other part of my questions my ability to be able to manage....
Talked to R and he told me that if there is such opportunities...do not let it slip....let the others worry for itself!!!
My main focus now is O levels....just survived this week....get my As....Iam not a loser...I can be in the ranks of the Elites...as they are called.....I know i have a bumpy ride ahead of me....

Is just three papers down

2011-10-28T00:32:00.001+08:00

I hate it when there is always someone doing better than you!!!!
Can I have my share of being the op few? Gave my best for paper one and yet i am the lowest among my peers....this feeling sucks!!!! I feel like giving up already la!!!! Don't feel like taking the other papers....since I already know I won't be the top or anything.....what are my chances man?!?!?!? Always screwing up in national examinations....why do we even have examinations? Shouldn't we be graded to consistency?!?! I detest the system the government has made! The better schools are always winning and we are always losing....gosh! Seriously....for once in my whole entire life....let me be part of something. Feeling so demoralized now.....can anybody help me? Please????

I am so afraid of repeating the same mistake.....fear that I felt during PSLE is all coming back.....if I ever go to a JC\POLY I will work extremely hard....prove doubter wrong....and make a name for myself!!!!! I don't wanna be a loser in from of anyone....

Finally understood why.....

2011-10-27T00:52:00.001+08:00

Something's are meant to be shared but as you take the cup...your something to share will reduce...because there is a certain boundaries to set....tough to hold on to it....but still....is part of you that you have to give up for the higher step.

It will only get harder from now on....
Oh boy

POM POM

2011-10-25T01:56:00.000+08:00

hmmm....
back to square one of thinking where I should go.....
I am back to doubting my own abilities.....
pretty much confused about my future.....
did not know what to say.....
I think i am not ready for such things....
but one part of me telling me that i can....
the other part telling me that I am inadequate to do it....
looking at my family's view of me....is going to be a super bumpy ride in future.....
at least there is something called....
GRACE......

We all need it some point in our mess up LIFE!

okay.....

2011-10-20T01:37:00.000+08:00

i noticed the increased in viewership and I really need to address something.....
this blog is about my life.....I am just an ordinary dude. Everything you read/see in this blog is totally true....and is all about what I really feel. Feel free to comment on my blog through my twitter @deseang ,
thanks for clicking this random link?

Ranting

2011-10-18T22:56:00.001+08:00

Forgive me for being un-Desean

Feeling like crap....
Very lousy about myself....
Keep thinking that Os is very difficult....
I have no motivation for work...did 2009 emaths paper...score 69..really feel that I cannot make it....
Considering to go JC now.....After talking to different people and looking at others....i think I wanna try to go for JC....ultimately...certificates cannot define the man I am....since I am planning to be consistent in Poly....I might as well go JC and be consistent for two years. Hope I can go into a JC and take the subjects I want!
Even with this consideration. I don't feel like studying...I keep thinking back....wasted my time on all the activities and not improving on my already failing grades....and here I am being a prisoner of my own doing...slogging my way like a slave to catching up....
My family members are also pressing me....one good example from just now....when I am taking a shower....my grandma wants me to I down and help my mum...cos the maid is not back from walking the dog...I came out and call my mum...in the end she said no need to come down....feeling super ulti pissed at them!!!! Always looking at my failure than my success....is not what I have done well but is always what I did that disappoint them....even using social networking is a crime to them....said that I keep using facenook an twitter too much...I only used that in a bus back home...how am I going to study on a bus ???

This anger inside of me is really killing me.....I just want to give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deep down....my heart keeps telling me to try again.....I am still wondering why am I still working so hard for.......

On the surface I seem to have many things under control but really....inside of me....stress....hopeless....useless and helpless.......
Someone out there help me!!!
Pick me up!!!
I feel like I have lost all hope on reaching my dreams...

I wonder

2011-10-17T22:09:00.001+08:00

How many babies that are born that fulfill their dreams and aspiration....
I Remember a quote...
The Violent shall take it by force....
Who will be willing to go all out to fight for their destiny?
Many have tried, few has achieved...
Those who have failed....do they still have the courage to step up?
This is the reality of life....when practicality hits you....giving up seems to be the easier route.

Question is....
Will u back down?

I thought I had it all planned out!

2011-10-16T01:54:00.001+08:00

But guess I am still back to square one...thinking about what I want to do. Whatever it is....let my destiny be fulfilled the right way.

Is 4am

2011-10-14T04:10:00.001+08:00

I got to change.....
This part of me I got to let it go....
The thorn in my flesh got to go....u do not want this to happen to me again....
If it means another round of "spring cleaning" so be it!
I am just going to read the book that edi lent me....
Inspiration please

Inspiration comes from the heart......

2011-10-13T01:32:00.001+08:00

And the heart opens the door of endless possibilities....

Everything written here is nothing but the truth on how I feel towards the circumstances I go through in my life....
I don't really care who I offend or whatever effects it has on the reader.

Went for Cell group prayer meeting! Was glad that I went for it! Reminded of Elisha and his hunger! Love the presence! Especially in times like this when everything seems to be crumbling.....I lean on God for strength!!!

Many thoughts running in my mind!!
Gonna spam them I guess?!

Faith in God is not stagnant, it changes the way you live....so ask yourself....how much have u change over the years? Happier or grumpier?

There will always be people there questioning and challenging about ur beliefs....but let's no forget there are also people who are there to remind us about our destiny!

Words are powerful, it is easily ignored and forgotten but its impact is everlasting....and that's why I will not use Vulgarities on others! There is really no point in it! Suck thumb and tahan!

When u are in a crucial period like now....1001 million thoughts racing through your brain cells!

Was quite surprised by what Miss Tiu said earlier today.....happily talking about the number of shoes we have along with Kennedy and she ended up shooting at me for being a city harvester cos of shoes.....I haven finish explaining my part and she somehow found a weird link to church hahaha....I mean I have that many shoes cause of....brother's thoughtfulness/uncle's generosity and Sales....but I don't blame her....is not easy to recover from a hurt. Heard that she was one a CHC member too! Oh well....I feel that she really don't like Christian being wealthy? Come on man! If the children of God are not rich and powerful....we are "degrading" God indirectly! Remember? Like Father Like Son!

Reaching out! Further and Higher!
Oh yea!

Who says u are not perfect? Cos they do not understand

2011-10-11T09:47:00.001+08:00

Priorities renewed, felt like there is a goal for me to work for.....a new goal. A brand new step I am willing to take, though is kind of late to change....I want to give this a shot. O levels may be tough, but I will be tougher.....do my best for it la. My first A1 will be in my o lvl certificate. Never thought I would believe in such a thing....felt inadequate to reach out....but on the other hand, no one said I could not have such a dream.....

someone calls me religious.....

2011-10-06T23:45:00.000+08:00

erm....
quite awkward to answer such a question in front of people who did not have the same experience I am having with God.....
lets just say through my darkest moments....is where I found light....
in the midst of all this chaos.....I found peace and serenity.....
when i was lost....now I am found.....
not ashamed to proclaim my faith!
this song pretty much says it all...

four years of secondary school......

2011-10-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

my last two days in secondary school life....
many memories and friendships forge....
grew alot as a person....
many life lesson learnt from my peers and teachers.....
I still can remember clearly my first day in AES.....
wow....all entered as strangers and all leaving away with a special bond :)
kind of proud to say that I received more that academic impartations.....
my journey in this school has been exciting and amazing.
really enjoyed my lower secondary years very much!
everyone was so open and every single day I go to school in joy!
not forgetting my time being a member of the basketball team...
regretted not training harder to contribute to the team.....but am glad that I have the honour of hanging out with my bros! Loyalty! something I will always keep it close to my heart :)
many came and left....but those who stayed....the choice means sooo much.
not forgetting the teachers who have made an impact in me life!

Miss Pek-always constantly challenging me to choose what is right rather than what is popular....though there are many who says she is "whatever" but is through her "whatever" that I have learnt.

Mrs Ong-my form teacher from lower sec. Her faith in me is what brought me to be a student councillor, her words still resonates in my mind "Desean, not all student leaders must be an angel all the time, be yourself :) thats important"

Miss Lin-sad to see her leave...but she showed me in standing for what is right no matter what! #Respect!

Miss Kit Lee-Helped me to be a better leader....I told her that when I be an EXCO i will do this and that(though i did not do whatever I planned to do). she told me to be both Task and People Oriented....difficult but achievable...

the other teachers I will talk about it at a later time.....
want to blog about my friends...
those that really shaped me for who I am today :)
these four years...
the good and bad of friends I have seen it all....
thank God for those who stayed true to me....
somedays it can be good with them....
other days can be outrageous lor....
glad that it is coming to an end soon.....
hard to find real people....
but I have to admit on my side of the problem....
not totally anyone's fault that such a thing happen....
'people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care'
for those who understand me....thank you :)
for those who misunderstand me.....erm... one day la
I'm not that kind of guy....really not.
i don't really handle judgements from others well ah....especially those I thought who were closest....
but at the end of the day....I wish i can tell it all in your face....I'm human too.....why can't you guys see?
whats a journey if it isn't come in a whole package of Good and Bad?
seeing tweets of people stating that they can't bear to leave the class....
guess I'm not very much included in anyone's list.....
but is alright! *suck thumb*

Hopefully I can do well for O levels
and start my new chapter.....
along with my experiences......

Pretty much describe the deep cry I have in my heart.....

2011-10-03T22:53:00.001+08:00

I can never be too busy for God!
Always remember to give time to spend with him :)

In English class now

2011-10-03T11:25:00.001+08:00

Wah....Going trough the Os level English paper 2010.....supposed to be easy....but I failed the paper....how to pass o level sia.....Hate studying!!!!

Truly he never fails

2011-10-01T00:32:00.001+08:00

I still remember the day when I lost my beats....so painful...thank God....a better earpiece has been given to me for free! Feeling so bless!

CGM notes

2011-09-30T20:49:00.001+08:00

Why we need a Teacher/Discipler
1:To be Inspired to be the things of God
2:We can be Trained to be discipline...
3:We Can be Encouraged

never thought I would say such a thing.....

2011-09-29T23:50:00.000+08:00

when nothing is all you have left......
there will always be people who are there.....
only when such circumstances present itself....
that is where you realize who is really who.....
been reflecting back on a few relationships....
if it is meant to let go...
trust me...
I am ready to let it go.....

whats the point of sharing about myself
and being condemn....judge....ostracize....
sometimes....the words used can pierce a hole through my heart.....
guess I can't do anything much to change.....
the rich will be richer the poor becomes poorer.....
something old gone and a new age begins.....

that is why....
i try not to be too trusting and personal with some people....
whatever you invest in....you may never know....
the pain is sometimes almost unbearable.....
weird eh?
but is just me la....

I just need someone to have some sort of verbal "diarrhea "
SMSing is good....but is only to a small extent.....
I tried....but I got bitten....
is okay...
I'm willing to try again....
remind me to bring a plaster :)

Crucial period.....

2011-09-28T00:20:00.001+08:00

Up till now.....
There is really nothing much I can say about my o level...
I just have to do....
Tired everyday....
I am sooo worried about my current situation....

But somehow....
I feel this certain sense of peace and assurance that something good will come out of it....
Perhaps this is what people talk about....
In troubled times....thats really where you can find absolute serenity....

Independently Dependent.....
Lets get Os done and over with....
I want my get away so badly!!!!!!

有心就好....

2011-09-26T01:01:00.000+08:00

every time....as I look at the people around me....
talented...gifted...smart...and all....
I question my own abilities....
constantly feeling that I'm "not good enough" or "not even in this league".....
that may hold truth to some extent.....

asked J some random question about whats goona happen when he is enlist....
his first reply took me back quite a little bit...my mind was like "no joke eh...."
then I continue to sms....
stating many facts....
but after the whole 'convo'...
J reminded my of Joshua!
not looking about who is who....
but who is what!?
all about the heart....
the desire....
really is all about dependence....
it brought me all the way back to my mum's previous CGL whom I used to play guitar for...
Jacelyn always talk to me before and after cell group during practice and all....
I can say she is sort of an elder sis figure to me or something....(readers if you are thinking...she is in her twenties...different age group from my mum...so chill)
this words that I have forgotten but recollected....
"is not all about the skills...talent or gift....very true that they holds certain magnitude of influence and admiration....no matter what....serving always work through the heart...."
power words....
really love it....I may be 'behind' all the people before me....
but is not the rank...status...influence....
is through the Heart....

lead worship....
may not really have good vocals....or even the volume of my voice....
I was touched....
never felt such a presence for a long time!
I know deep down....it wasn't about the song or what....
the strong presence was really because of the heart....
really....I'm believing for more of such things....
the power of intention is so powerful....
有心就好....

may not the best youth around....
may not be the most talented or gifted...talk about smart....
one of the lousy speaker.....
still....I am believing for it....
nothing wrong being a regular guy attending a church to have his "church dream right?"
oh well.....
Heart over almost everything....

thanks for the reminder J....
I will keep it to my heart to use my heart! :)

One story I can totally feel

2011-09-21T14:10:00.019+08:00

Today AMATHs lesson.....
Did not lift a single piece of AMATHS stuff....
Rather,Mr Ong shared about his Life story....
Despite the general population laughing at the story...
I can tell from his expression that he really went through a lot
His story is really one that can make someone go to tears....
Only if you see beyond the jokes....
As he shared about his life....
I felt this certain sense of similarity between he and I
Even though we are totally two worlds apart....
Ironic eh?!?
as he described how he felt at that point of time when he decided to change....
deep down in my heart I was like....
"dude....I feel you man"
After the lesson....
I have a new level of respect for him....
New type of admiration....
Even though he did not have a colorful teen hood....
He still survived and live to tell the story.
One day....I hope to share with the younger generation my story....
Hopefully I can be like Mr Ong....inspiring them to change their lives......

We all have different choices to make.....
Is difficult to choose to let go of the hate/grudge/revenge
When that person totally dissed you!
OCH made that choice to let go....
A real man indeed!
Come to think of it....really sorry that earlier this year....I choose to pick a fight with you.....but thankfully...we got to know each other more in one way or another....
At least....
I made the choice to not listen what is popular and follow what my heart tells me to believe.
I may not be the top scorer or excel academically but I can garantee you that I will live my life according to the principles that I hold on to......
10years down....I will look for you and say thank you.

I know your name....
And is right that I learn your story.
Gonna be a better man from now on.

I really cannot wait for Os to end....
I want to quickly end this chapter of my life and start the new one.....
But is really depend on this last few writings that determine the subsequent stories I will tell.....though ah.....
Going through all these.....
It made me treasure more of everything....
The time I have to rest....
The time to spend with my friends....
The time I spend in church and the time of solid fellowshipping....
Missed the cell group very much....wanna hang out more leh...but every time I just have to go early because of my tuition......
After Os....LEGENDARY!!!!!!
Thought of a list of things-to-do after Os...
AWESOME!!!
One of them is to write 5 message....who knows...one day I can share them with someone who really needs it.

Listened to my first sermon that I have recorded during the third AES prayer meeting.......
Wow...I'm that uninteresting....almost sleep at my own preaching....the message is there but the presentation a little bit errrrrrrrr........
Need to improve much more....got to be more confident and louder....
Is a battle of pride! *draw sword*

The three Cs......
Keeping it close to my heart....
Always those little moments in life that defines who you are today....
Am glad I went through those kind of things.....

Indeed...I am living a different life compared to others.....
Learning to ignore negative and receive positive...though it can be really difficult.....true story.

The future....ahhhh

2011-09-20T01:55:00.000+08:00

How I wish the 'Future' Desean can solve the problems ahead....
Just heck it and do what I want to do now!!!!
Truth is....
Is impossible.....

The future is kind of messed up for me.....
After discussing about the education path after Os....
Realize that either way is a risk....no win win situation....
Right now...here I am still hesitating...
POLY or JC??
one part of me wants to go JC
And The other wants to go POLY!
I am like the only guy in class who doesn't know what I wanna do....
Check out the university website....
the degree I wanna take...sigh....
Let's just say such school accepts students of elite school standards....
Who am I to challenge their position?
Feeling quite down because of what the future holds....
But still I'm believing for something greater.....

Read a friend's blog.....
Was quite amazed by the post....
Really reminded myself about a little prayer I made to God....
To have a life different from others....
After going thru all these things....
Man oh man I wish that I can be like the normal people...
Like Laurence or Val....
Excelling in their studies.....
Enjoying social life....
A promising future ahead...
But there is a significance difference I have which they do not....
Having a deep and personal revelation with God....
I can't really explain to my peers totally about the things I'm doing....
They don't really understand about it.....
I have experienced something that they did not and that's what I keep it to my heart personally.....my own devotion to God.
Even as I serve and stay in church.....
The things that I go through is sooo much unexpected....
Come to think of it....
Is rather depressing...
Even with all that's has happen....
Is weird how can people be very blind and radically judgmental....
I still have to take my stance....
I respect the female human being very much...
But I don't understand why am I given that kind of name when there are other guys other there....touching your body openly.....
Man...it sucks and totally injustice to me......
Is already so long...why are you all still judging me?
One day....I hope you guys will change :)

I remembered when I was called a loner....
Well....is kind of true to some extent....
I don't have a clique in school unlike everybody else....
I don't mix well with my peers....
The list goes on.....
Out of the loneliness....
I found my true friends.....
I found loyalty....
And is something I will hold on.....
We always want to be part of something
"jock" "smart dude" "cool" and so on....
But why try so hard to fit in?
Find you own identity that you can be proud of....

No matter how scary it is.....
I will try my best to face my future confidently....
Still not sure about what I want to do but whatever it is...
Gonna do it like a real man!
Thank God for friends whom I can trust :)
Not easy to find true friends who understands the situation and enourage....
If not for the few of you...
I don't think i will be typing the blog now....

A story about the underdog.....
MAN(M) "oh lord...oh my lord!!!"
GOD(G) "yes ?"

M: why did you choose me? Why isn't that guy from the top school? Why isn't that person who has that much talent and ability? Of all the winners you want to choose a person like me to do your will?!?!? Why?!? Why?!?!

G:My Son...I have my reason why you all called...

M: you made a mistake! It could not be me? Look at me? I can't do this I cannot do that....I'm as good as useless!!! Give me back my life......I beg you....why me?!?

G:the reason why you are chosen among the others....is because of something you have that they didn't have......

M: HUH?!?!?!?

G: You dare to give up your dreams to serve me....and now things will work out for you....

End of story....

Quite a 'silly' short short story,
But I like it :)
Really speaks alot about our journey....
God makes no mistake :)

"The one who change the world....changed his own personal destiny to fulfill others"

errrrr....

2011-09-17T00:35:00.000+08:00

gosh....chemistry at 8am....now is 12:27am....need to get things done....like 8 papers of chemistry! LOL????
guess somethings i love to keep it last minute....
but at the same time....I wanna sleep man!
i shall shower and chiong my work.....

nice cell group meeting just now.....
new point of view about Isaac and Moses.....
wow.....
so totally relatable man!
sometimes....I wish my friends can be like more understanding and less forgiving?
I may not be that smart or knowledgeable as you guys
know what to speak or what not to speak.....
all I'm asking is for more openness...
just like the group of friends in HIMYM.....
whenever one is silly....don't judge!.....

been watching HIMYM....
sudden inspiration to share a message about it....
Ted.....looking for the woman of his dreams.....
despite having failed relationships over and over again....
I love it when he says....I'm believing for that one girl!
true that
many times.....
searching for our destiny can be really be confusing and difficult.....
but only have faith that one day...you will find your destiny and be happy for the rest of your life even with the "colourful" past you had!

after Os.....
is gonna be LEGEND

wait for it......

DARY!

gonna serve more in church.....
need to get my soul back on track......
I know.....
one day....
I will be just like you!

I screw up

2011-09-15T00:45:00.000+08:00

seems like no matter what I do now can change anything....
can I just heck it?!
thinking about it....
I really screw my upper secondary school life.....
wish I could restart everything.....
I gave up my dreams....for something....and wanting to go back on the track to my dreams....
is really......ARGH!!!
if given the opportunity to express.....i guess i would like hit anything till it breaks or till i bleed or something like that.....
hit some random person....preferably a gangster or something.....or people with super snobbish behaviour and just whack till i become happy....
violent intentions aside....guess I really need to do something to let loose......
may be a sadist....but sometimes physical pain can bring comfort.....like gymming till ur muscles can't move the next day or playing bball till your hands are "jelly-like"

I mean....I GAVE UP!!!!
GAVE UP ON MY DREAMS!!!!!!
once the moment is gone...then is really gone eh?!
some days i can feel like i'm on track to something exciting....
some days i feel like a dead deer on the road just decomposing day by day

but in times like this....
is where i found peace and unrest at the same time
in my broken state.....
I just....keep walking.....
hoping for a better future.....
I got to set my eyes forward.....
can't look left or right and back
just keep going forward lor....

praise you anyhow,,,,,
my own dedication....
*crazy* but i'm still believing.....
crying out to you.....
nothing much i can do to change....but you can take my life around

2011-09-14T01:48:00.000+08:00

oh well.....school reopened.....
mixture of thoughts running through my mind......
well....results will always be there.....
I guess....my last leg of Sec 4.....
I should just go all out....
but somehow....
enough for me doesn't seem enough....
well....
no point sulking about the past....
focus on the future lor....what else can I do?
I'm still believing in Faith.....
whoever who laid hands on me....he must have felt something to only say one word to me right?

FAITH?!.....
I wonder.....
*only believe*

feeling up and down these past few days...gosh......
improvement as well as declined in grades.....
sometimes I wish that I can be more consistent.....
I still remember my 1st CG with Jon......
the 3Cs
Consistency
Christ likeness
Jesus is our Constant.....
somehow this three points is stuck in my heart....almost 3 years and I still know this by heart.......

i can feel that the chapter of my secondary school life is slowly winding down....the story is ending soon.....
I can't wait to embark on a new chapter....
excited to re-write my history......
hopefully I won't screw up....
but even if i do screw up.....
I always can know that I can return to my constant!

listening to a few podcast...
inspired and empowered!
especially about the cultural mandate.....
nice!!!
words are powerful.....
choosing to Serve is harder then wanting to lead your own life.....
as I listen to the cultural mandate message.....
somehow....
I can't stop but to think about this friend of mine.....
well....is kind of been one year since my friend started a new life....
met new people....
learnt new stuff
whole new level of experience....
it kind of breaks my heart to see something drifting away.....
I want to do something ....but I don't know what to do.....
all I want to do is to remind that.......
when you Turn back....strengthen your brethren
sent in like a sheep among the pack of wolfs......
tempted....
abuse.....
taken advantage....
is okay....Know who you are in Christ!!!
I wish I can do something......
oh well....Prayer lor.....
because as youth.....
all we want is to have an identity to call our own!
I understand......
praying that you can find a balance in your activities......
no one can tell you how.....is a process of self discovery!
.....
no matter what! I'm still grateful that you are still my friend and after my Os...I wanna spend more time with you!
well.....this post is like so flaky sia......but I still got to let my thoughts out!

is weird how God works at times....
when it is the darkest....
the most painful
the very disappointing moments...
and yet.....
usually...
troubled period like this is really where
you find a certain level of peace and serenity
the gentle voice whispering to your eyes telling you to close your eyes and believe!
whatever it may be...GOD will forever be the constant!

*day 3rd post since i privatize my blog *

Disappointed.....

2011-09-12T17:38:00.000+08:00

WOW.....
today is really...
demoralizing......

but...
somehow...i learnt something new.....
Significance and success!

Faith

2011-09-11T22:06:00.000+08:00

so not looking forward to school reopening.....
guess i did not put in as much effort into studying for it and not expecting much from it....
F9 for physics anyway......

this two weeks has been really weird....
somehow....my deepest desire....I feel a lack in it....
always longing for someone...to lay hands on me and pray a long prayer to speak into my life....
all I hear recently was super weird....
pst MJ laid hands on me....all i heard was a hiss and then the worship music subsequently.....
then today.....at the sunday service altar call.....
million and zillions thoughts and imagination running through my mind
"OH YEA!!! long prayer!!!"
excited as i may be.....
all that was spoken to me was....

FAITH......
thinking about it....
I just need to keep believing in God.....
not just God but also....
believing in myself....
have a little confidence in the things I do
and stand strong
to trust in him even when there is nothing.....

all I desire....
your anointing..........
simple as that but...somehow....
it made me desperate for it...

school reopens tml!
44 more days to O levels and I'm not really excited or whatever...just hoping to scrape through it.....
shall not limit myself....giving myself a new chance everyday to be better....

remind myself....
to have Faith....
even though I may be a visual man......
I will remain loyal to an invisible God!

You still remember me.....

2011-09-10T01:45:00.002+08:00

Luke 22:31-32
come back and give others a fresh start.....
I still remember the simple prayer I made at the Leader's meeting.....
Use me as only you can oh lord......
just like Mary who broke her future for God...
let it be me...
I may not be the best in anything....
but let me do something....

All testimonies are supposed to strengthen and build you up....
at the same time...
it can tear you down when you are not careful.....
struggling with an identity
I feel like giving up everything and just be a normal guy leading a normal life....

I know I know there is this deep voice inside of me telling me about what is to come....
but I kept denying and rejecting the vision.....
once again....
WHO AM I?!?!?
who am I to do it?
man....is just sooo urgh!!!!!
at the same time.....I am like...let it be me....
woah!!!

the verse....
luke 22:31-32
when you return....STRENGTHEN YOUR BROTHER!
I hope i can be the one....
seriously....
looking around me...
people are so much talented
so much more gifted
more of every little things I have......
is quite encouraging but at the same time totally demoralizing and doubtful about my own abilities
I'm still searching for my identity....
crying out to you lord....
in the secret place....
my hiding place....

when you are young....and then now

2011-09-08T02:27:00.000+08:00

somehow or rather....
when the light shines....
running back to the darkness seems like the better way...
staring at the greener grass patch and wonder...
how would life be if I am there...
remember when I was younger....
options was mine to decide
but as time goes by....
clouds began hovering around my thoughts....
however there is a sliver lining reflecting its glory on me leading me on paths to go....
though the journey seems unpredictable
yet the man chooses the road...
because when he gets older
is not where he wants to go.....
is where HE wants the man to go...

this is where submission spring forth

DESTINY....

* Trust me....is that difficult*

You know the name, but you don't really know the story.....

2011-09-04T04:07:00.000+08:00

This past two weeks has been eye opening for me....
I learnt so much! about myself and others...
made a new friend..
SUPER SIAO ONE! (you know who you are)
thinking back about how we got to know each other..
it is very weird...but glad that I got the opportunity to know you...
thanks for the encouragement! even though I "barely" knew you.
more to come ah?!

had the third AES revival group prayer meeting...
preached for the first time....
soo...I kind of shared the word of God to my fellow CHC-AES friends!
although the attendance isn't that many
I am happy that those that came heard the word
it was a sharing of the word as well as sharing about personal experience sessions.....
didn't know the things they are going through is sooo..ARGH....
super tough for them to face the things that they are facing now....sooo young and yet....
not just that....I'm inspired by them somehow....really power ah!
I hope the message was something for them to keep it by heart
like how I kept it close to me for this past year....
nonetheless....it was really an eye-opener for me....
powerful verse LUKE 22:31-32

*we all have a choice and some choose to be powerful beyond measures*

Also...

spent alot of time chatting with Edeline this past weeks...

the conversations we had was really Lame/Weird/Funny?

but sometimes...the things we talked about enlighten and strengthen my heart

one thing I got the most is trust in a relationship....

so powerful yet fragile!

is so hard to build and once it is gone...

you may never get it back!

习惯就好!!

love the conversations we have!

Jia you friend! I believe in you!

remembered the msg about the period and age

where God will arrange the events and bring forth the destiny....

*someday...I will be*

The night of endless worry-

2011-08-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

Rather than revising for my chemistry paper.....
Spent the whole night worrying about my future....
Basically...fear filled the atmosphere...
Is kind of a scary thing to even have a small though about the future....really....I may not have the adequate courage to accept it....if I happen to know it...but at the same time, I'm just sooooo sooo soooo sooo very curious about it.

I decided to SMS Miss Chye,
Really thank God for such a mentor....
One of the rare people in my life who has genuine faith in me and for who I am.
She told me to never lose heart and keep believing in myself.
Even though it can be really difficult.
I can't give up now when barely the first paper started for Os....
Like I said....
One of those few who really understands and care beyond her call of duty.
Being a teacher is indeed a noble decision.
Saluting all the teachers with the passion! Never give up like how you tell us not to let go in what we believe in!

After the chat.....
I look back at my past and compared myself with my peers.....
I'm quite a special one....
The reason why I survive till now is not because I have seniors to encourage me or motivate me....(my seniors never say nice words to me at all haha)
I survived till now is mainly because I choose to lean onto God,
Even though I may taste failure like rice in my mouth....
Yet I'm still dragging my feet each day to move on....
Even when I do not have what others had, I depended on what others didn't...and that is my GOD

Also I thought about my years as a secondary school kid...
Kept me smiling after thinking through of the number of girls that I "somehow" had a crush on.
Haha, is weird how my mind playEd tricks on me...
Glad that I overcome it...but still trying to get over the awkwardness that others have cause.....really don't have the gut to rekindle the relationship....
What can I say?
Some people just can't make way for things to patch up....
All I can go is to wait for the opportunity lor....
Nothing much I can really do.
I'm just glad

Last paper of prelims!
LETSGO D!

Is not about the numbers......

2011-08-23T00:24:00.000+08:00

is all about his presence~

looking back at past photos~

2011-08-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

shall try a different style of blogging....
Inspired by Edeline!
posting photos and sweet blog posts :)
this photos are kind of old

this photo was taken by me during the YOG opening ceremony last year with my friend's camera!
is a HOT French woman! feels like a professional man! she looked stunning in this photo! reminded me of the fun time I had on that day! being proud of my country and all! yeah! *fist bump own-self* go Singapore!

I still remember clearly about this photo!!!
was taken when I was Sec 2 on a Sunday! the local zone meeting or something~
Pst YK preach about dreams~
after that was the transformer game thingy with Mei Yan's Subzone!
good times eh?! though every single one of them in this photo i don't talk to them now.....
I kind of miss them!
Thati's jokes and her ego!
Natasha's sweet and tender loving care!
(I always wanted an elder sister figure to look up to) [learned alot from her]
Edwin and his cool swag!
growing up with him....I always wanted to be like him~ guess we choose two different paths
but I'm fighting hard for the old relationship back!
ONE DAY BRO! one day !!!
come to think of it....
I feel quite bad...
kept on asking him to come come and come
neglecting his feelings and all....my fault for letting such opportunity to slip away...
but I still thank God for now!
Yong Kiat and Yi zhen are here now~
believing somehow or someway
my family will change for the better!

last photo.....
simple as it is...
this paper badge made by Kennedy meant so much to me!
during the sharing session at last friday cell group meeting!
memories of myself going through all the pain/insults/jeers/misunderstanding/harsh judgment
rushed all the way through my mind~
flashback after flashback!
just because I am a Christian....
every single things I do is being judge by others!
not just others! but by fellow bro and sis in Christ!
it so difficult to blend in....
soooo sooo sooo difficult.....
but I swallowed the pain...and choose to smile~
I forgave them....
even with their actions....I still let it go...
there is no point, trying to prove you are right through words or argument!
one day...it will come to light!
time has spoken itself to me!
maybe not all has been cleared...but I'm glad that some are~
some came to apologize and Kennedy made me this!
he told me that even if everyone thinks that you are....remember that I will not!
is wonderful how people understands you even if you don't argue or debate that you are right!

Really thankful for the Sharing Session!
even when the members are sharing!
I felt the same frustration that they go through
trust me...it ain't easy!
but we will hold on tight! :)
good session....really good session!
totally love the worship

"Today's CG was more than a sharing session. It is reflecting about past experiences and get a revelation to impact oneself as well as others"

can't wait to finish Os....
and start planning for my business idea with my friends....
hope it works out fine!
also looking forward to my Beijing trip.
time i reward myself with a real holiday!
been working too hard during secondary school years!
Bball here and there...
truly waiting for the big reward!

LONG POST EH?
#TheFutureDeseanReadingThis
you went through so much~
is just the old you telling you that "Good Job for being more than an overcomer"

*Where else can I go? Than to put my trust in you*

Spiderman- story of a true hero

2011-08-19T01:14:00.001+08:00

Watched spiderman two!
Was like primary school since I last watch it....
Didn't know much about the dialouge and only cared about the actions/comedy...
Secondary four now!
Had a demoralising day and decided to watch SpiderMan two....
This time.....the meaning of it is sooooooo deep
Peter Parker....gave up love...gave up education...even gave up his best friend and even people that he love the most to protect others
Almost cried at the beginning,
Where nothing seems to go right for him...
Pizza delivery...late for school....no money to pay....getting rejected by the woman he loves because of unforeseen circumstances and protecting his secret.
But it was his destiny to be a man of justice....given a very special gift!
Courageous and self-sacrificing!!
Even when he does all he could to save people....the press continue to attack him.
Shows how much opposition there is in doing what is right and not what is popular...
I really love the part when Peter gave up being Spiderman and go back in living the life he crave for....only to realise that no one but himself can maintain justice! When crime rates multiplied and when Aunt May said that
"to do the right things,we got to be steady and give up many things, even our dreams...." really powerful sentence

Watching this movie....
It really shows something....
There is actually a difference between destiny and dreams!
Destiny is what you are called to do and dreams is what you personally want to do...
I admire those people....who gave up their dreams and fulfil their destiny...it is very painful to let go of things that has a significant meaning for you.....
Spiderman gave up his dreams....
He choose the path where some consider stupid...
But his conviction : Great Power comes with Great Responsibilty
it has kept him strong and steady.....
the pain he has to endure to fufil his destiny...
never easy for a man to not see the women he loves the most being loved by someone else...because he knows that she deserve much more!
It jeopadize his friendship with his only friend Harry....just because he did what is right!
Really reflects on the real world....
Your destiny will come forth opposition but fear not....the lives you are going to touch will be thousand times more rewarding than the sacrifice you make.....

My childhood idol....
SPIDERMAN!!!

Sitting on the fence.....

2011-08-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

Preliminaries officially starts tomorrow!
and here I am...
took a nap in the afternoon...
had dinner and slack till the show begins...
my emotions seems to be in a roller-coaster ride recently~
someday i can be on top of the world and be filled with aspirations!
while some other days...I'm as Lost as a blind man!
not getting the call....I'm very disappointed (I admit it!)
what did I not do right?!
being in a daze in school now and then...
don't really know what I'm studying for~
even when I think about my slogan tee business idea...
a big Sigh,,,because I don't really know how it will turn out to be....what if it fails? is a huge risk!
simply....I just don't know what to do with myself...
tomorrow is my first paper and one paper less before Os
I don't really know what to feel
I can't fathom the things I'm doing....
being very discouraged just thinking about my own future...
seems sooo bleak and dull~
constantly visualizing the future...
the only positive one is seeing AES revival group grow and Impact
the people of W446 and S53 doing more than just an average CG
perhaps thats all!
I have a dream...
but I'm hoping it will be more than just a dream

*crying out to you*

1st step back is tough!

2011-08-16T00:03:00.000+08:00

this song always gives me the comfort!
no matter how far behind our walk can be....
it is painful to go back to God...
past shame and guilt will always haunt you down~
I love the chorus
brought me to tears once....

time when I was the lowest...is where you were my highest!
even though is hard....I will run back to you!
for it is not my choice but your desire to have me as yours!

the elder brother I knew since I was born!

2011-08-12T00:13:00.000+08:00

times have changed!
people you once knew pretty much changed!
as ugly as how people may say about you....
you are still the elder brother I always knew!
never ever be ashamed of what you do!
as critical or judgmental the world can be to you...
you are still the elder brother I always knew!
so what if you drink, so what if you smoke?!
is part and parcel of life! it is never right for anyone to say such comments!
no matter what...
you are still the elder brother I always knew!
it has been 3 years since your stardom....
indeed!
many many many things have changed!
you changed....I have changed!
for better or for worst....
something that no one can break!
the brotherhood we build since I learnt how to speak!
nothing will ever change that!
once again....
the chances of you reading this is one in ten million!
but Edwin
you will always be the elder brother I know!
looking forward to spend time with you after Os!

*times like this makes me think about the past and smile at how it all started*

So many things changed

2011-08-10T02:01:00.000+08:00

is amazing how my life has changed...involved in an argument , no longer called a loner and got a new best friend~ life is short....
many things have changed over the years....
as the tweets goes about Edwin...
it really makes think all the way back....

when I spent my holidays at Grandma's with Edwin...
from going to the market together to playing playstation 2 with him all the way till 5plus am.
the times where we spent did everything together!
I still remember that time when we were the rebels at junction 8!
we bought Macdonalds and had too much french fries...so we decided to throw it at cars that pass us! super EPIC MOMENTS!!!
I never regret the trouble we make!
The sweet memories we had together!

when we reached secondary school...
somehow our relationship went through a big transformation!
we grew a little further apart...
I became more involved in church activities
and don't really care about spending time with you or the rest of the family!
one of my regret is not inviting you to church earlier!
but I don't really know how things would be if I did invite you and you stayed eh?
my mum is very critical about you...but I don't give any thought to her judgmental words towards you or the condescending comments from the family members.
I really understand how it feels to not get any single good words from people closest to you! is just how the Earth revolves...
I pray that the relationship between us can improve.....
thanks to my super flaky and stupid persuasion that time when you came to church....
guess that took you back quite alot!

whatever has happened...it happened....
even though the chances of you reading this is one in ten million...
i just want to know that whatever we had was special and I couldn't be anymore proud to be your younger brother!
be it you become a celebrity or just a nobody!
it is still my honor to know you!
the next time i meet you....
I will forgo all the thinking of the people around me and talk to you just like the old times!

I'm still believing for that one day!

Let some steam out! (JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER)

2011-08-09T02:01:00.000+08:00

is bad enough that I lost my beats....
still you all have to rub salt into my wound?!?!?
you guys have no idea how much it hurts me to lose it?!?!?!
I'm gonna investigate who took the beats...when I find it...that person will pay!!!!
caused so much pain in my heart!!!
the words my mum used!!
really....
sigh............
almost shouted at them in the car!!!!!

times like this...
I just need comfort....
all they can do is scold scold scold!!!!!
gosh....
not just that!
even in front of your friends you still have to insult me across at the table.....
OMG!!!
is not that I don't care!
your Son here has a forte of keeping emotions deep down!
I just down show it!

is it just so ARGH!!!!
to lose my beats!
i barely got it for two weeks and...WAHHAHAHAHAHA WAHHHHH
really buay tahan!
is there a bottomless pit that I can just scream?!?!?!

*shit happens in life,I agree*

*I just hope such shit won't happen to me*
*this feeling totally sucks!*

my oh my! its been super long since I ever talked like that!

2011-08-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

kind of broke the record eh?
was about to start on my work...
then I got a call from Dovel
we spoke like 1 hour on the phone.
getting to know each other, planning for our prayer meeting and sharing with each other our personal revelation....
she is one spiritual woman!!!
POWER (wo)MAN!!!
after speaking to her....
I feel so inspired by her!
her passion for music is soooo.....WOW!
even with a professional telling her that she is not that good and people picking her the last...
still i can feel the passion is still burning stronger!
someone who treats praise and worship more than just songs!
indeed...she will be the one to make a change for she is of a different spirit
really excited to be working with her for the revival group!
so cheerful , friendly and just fun to talk with~

I truly believe that God have a great plan for the people in AES
it is just waiting for people to slowly unfold the great destiny that is set for us!
I'm going to go all out!!

Worship is more than just a song

it is God's way to tell you "I am Here..."

Discouraged....but still believing that the call will come

2011-08-03T00:03:00.000+08:00

Everyday...
i end my day in discouragement~
once again, seeing people getting Calls from poly and going for interviews or trails.
It leaves me nothing but utter discouragement .
not only that but seeing how different people react to the opportunities given to them....
MAN!!! you got a chance to prove yourself and you are depress? come on!! how many people gets opportunities like yours? is just makes people more discourage....typical snobbish students!
you don't deserve any sympathy, because you see things from your own perspective all the time!!!
you are truly lucky to have friends that is willing to put aside their ego and ask about you....
is so selfish that people like you always put yourself before others...for once in your life of 16 years! put others before you not for others to be impressed but do it out of your heart!!!
others are going through the same things as you...some go through even worst....stop behaving as if the whole world did an ultimate disservice to you and your life!
you do not value opportunities....you do not put yourself in the shoes of others!
ever wonder how people like me feel?
always thinking that I'm feeling alright?
I just don't show it the way you do!
hardly anyone I know going through the same discouragement shows their emotion...
I hope that you just think about others before being PMS practically 24/7 when the other application did not call you!
I wake up in hope to have the call and sleep with the hope that the next day will be the day!
each day passes by with higher discouragement....not only that!!!
ever since I submitted my application....
calls and e-mails appears on my phone...
but none of them is the one I want!!!
out of the whole year....why must it be now that I received this much unknown calls just to tell me that they called the wrong number....
WHY SIA!!?!??!?!?!?!
it keeps my hopes up and ended up in another disappointment!!!
gosh!!! is simply so frustrating!!!
TOMORROW I WILL HOPE FOR THE BEST!!!!!
I'm still believing for a miracle!!

a quote that becomes so meaningful to me

"Only a weak man will know the value of strength"

2011-07-31T23:38:00.000+08:00

jonlyx Jonathan

@deseang takin e route tht nt many is willin 2 take! Doin wad many is unwillin 2 do. Sacrificing all 4 smth tht nt many will understand!

thank you for believing in me, even when no one seems to have a single idea for doing the things I do.

I'm just gonna keep running like a JOSHUA!

#JUSTSTARTED

2011-07-31T23:31:00.000+08:00

30th July
five people + 2
the work of God #juststarted
as small as it is...
the meeting was great!
from starting prayer to closing,
the presence of God just came~
amazing!
the heart of a nobody!
I see many great days ahead!
regardless oppositions or objections
things will smoothly flow through!!
REVIVAL IS ON ITS WAY!
really bless and impacted by the people who came even though it was uncertainty at its peak!
we should keep on running and running, for GOD, it is all worth it! we got to keep running and not get discourage by others.
Joshua may not have the best of background
but all he had was his amazing heart that kept on pressing into God even when God at that time was no where to be found!
I strongly believe in my heart that one day, we live to share our story of revival to inspire younger generations in church like how previous groups stepped on stage to share.
that day will come in our days of a youth!
God, use me to do your work!
use me as only you can
speak to me as only you can
move in as only you can!
on 19th July,
the words spoken to me....
the little prayer I made...
I'm willing even when no one believes in me
I'm willing even when one person out of one hundred listen to me preach your word...
LORD!!! I'm HERE!

"out of the worthlessness brings forth the deliverer"

I am happy for you both.....

2011-07-27T23:35:00.001+08:00

Congratulations to Dianne and Alvin for being shortlisted for the poly interview!
So proud that your hard work is being recognised!!!
I believe that you guys will make the cut above the others!
Great to see friends that reached a new milestone!

Yet here I am....
Still believing that I will get that shortlisted and ultimately accepted into the course!
As long as 19th august has yet to pass

Thank you god for amazing servants you have shown me!
Convicted that Saturday will be a massive pouring of your glory on all flesh!!!!
Come and touch our hearts...
Bring forth a revival in everyone's heart!!!

Hope

Day 4~ CHALLENGING PROCESS

2011-07-26T23:26:00.000+08:00

it is day four of my fast.....
really bless by the people in CHC/AES
seeing them already makes my heart goes WOW!!!
believing that something awesome is going to spring out from this group of special people!!!!
not gonna be disappointed by what has happened and all!
just gonna believe and pray that it will be nothing short of AWESOME!!!!!

I still remember clearly remember what Leila preach about the perfume....
it is soooo personal to me!!!
friends that don't understand half of what I am doing....
usual response like
"what the heck is wrong with you?"
"wasting time ah?"
"church church church"
"why are you always involved in outside stuff?"
"you future is not important?"
FRIENDS!!!!
I wish i can explain to why,
but it is sooo difficult to understand this...
the conviction i have is so different from each and everyone of yours....
I do care about my future!!
even though half of the time I have do not even have a single clue of what I am doing for.....
I continue to serve~
it is not being religious....but I'm being faithful to a God that always have been faithful to me...
the reasons to the things I'm doing may be very practical or logical...
but I know I'm serving in ways 9999 people can't.

this time....I'm not going to be such a defensive person or a strong and mighty pillar...
I'm just going to cry to GOD!!!
it is soooo tiring walking this road....
when will it end???
101 thoughts in my mind....

TAKE MY LIFE

TAKE IT ALL

I SURRENDER HEART AND SOUL

DPA interview.....DSA trails!!!!

2011-07-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

Happy and extremely proud of my friends who got called up for trails in JC and Interview in POLYTECHNICS.....
but every time, it hurts the most!
seeing people enjoying their hard work being paid off and myself alone asking myself...
WHEN IS IT MY TURN?this DPA application is so close to my heart that each time, an unknown number called or e~mail....my heart somehow sub-conciously skip a beat...
Did I not put in as much work as others?
I SPENT HOURS PREPARING FOR MY APPLICATION!!!
why isn't there any phone call?
read people's tweets about going for interview and bring shortlisted for interview....
am I that inadequate?
I'm still waiting for that phone call or that one e-mail!!
believing that I will be given the opportunity to prove doubters wrong!!!!

as a youth

2011-07-14T23:43:00.000+08:00

DPA is in your hands now, let my application find favour with the interviewers~

let me enter NP's Business Studies.I'm believing for a breakthrough!

after the great Jayesslee weekend....firstly,they are very pretty!!

one valuable lesson I learn about myself~

as a youth,we can get sad easily but also we can be alright quickly.

Did not take any pictures with the twins due to time constrain,

at that moment of time....I was super devastated , I was so NEAR yet I was beyond far!

eventually I got over it~ haha

our minds are so flexible to respond, even though I have been anticipating to take pictures with them ever since Leila mention that they will be coming. Oh well....we got to move on right? is just some two extraordinary people~

School has been extremely physically draining and mentally exhausting for me....

the reason I'm am still able to carry on going to school is definitely not by my own strength but is me leaning on your strength...ONE WAY!!!

Great Plans after Emerge, gonna have the 1st ASSUMPTION PRAYER MEETING!!!! I don't know how it goes but I know something great is about to happen! whatever the numbers maybe....I still believe that greater things will come upon every single soul of people in AES!!!

A long road to go,

a deep valley to endure

well God will see me through!

praying daily and fasting weekly to seek his presence.

I will wait on you Lord...

guide me....

I may be a youth, but use me to do things for you oh God....

let your presence be with me always!

When Jesus is all you have left,

~you realise that he is all you ever need~

today wasn't my day

2011-07-08T00:08:00.001+08:00

had quite a bad day in school today,

but still thankful for those who are truly there....

looking at things from people's perspective and softly in my mind....

the way they speak

the way they act...

the need for acceptance and attention

we live in such a rundown world

where everybody even the "emotionally" stronger people have in common with everybody else...

a deep cry for God!

10% conscious and 90% sub-consious

90% of the time, we don't even know why we act that way and 10% we use the time to find reason to blame

words are indeed powerful....

is like a spear piercing through your heart....

what can I do, but to sigh....

at least I can cry to someone.....

people can never understand....

my inner man

they don't even know half of my life story...

they don't know what kind of man I am....

nonetheless, I'm not proving to anyone that I'm that kind of guy...

is their perception and I can't do anything much to change it but just pray.

looking at the path ahead,

I'm certainly uncertain....

but is My Faith that will pull me through....

I'm believing for breakthrough!

People may know my name

but I'm sure that they have not heard my story

Desean,

be independently dependent on him.Thats what you can only do,don't make any extra effort to prove to people that you are right and they are wrong because that will only make matters worst.God is with you, do not fear do not worry, for your God is with you and who else can go against you? Keep the willing to carry on serving , for you are the chosen child of God.Destiny is knocking at your feet.

first week of school!

2011-07-02T03:20:00.001+08:00

It was super good! After Baptism and all the empowering event that came upon me during the power of June. Guess the words did really came to past!
I remembered how Pst Kong always say that One touch of God and Our life will never be the same!
when school reopen on monday,
I felt a burden to bring personal revival for my school!
I want to organize a Revival camp for all Christians Assumptionites! sounds crazy, but it can be done.
like what I overheard from Leila that after camps,it never fails to inspire one to be greater in life and be rooted into God! don't how i will go about doing it but I have the conviction that my God shall supply and direct my path!

I finally have a breakthrough with almost all the relationship around me!
Maybe is not obvious to me, but most of my class told me that they I have changed...for the better!
A NEW MAN INDEED! the old man die with Jesus and resurrected with Him! also really thank God that Nick Ho Ellis! my primary school bestest of best friend! his long and sweet comment about remembering the good times when we ROLL LIKE A BOSS!! even though is has been four long years, our memories are still as fresh as bread from the oven! I still remember the moments we shared during our time together! even though it wasn't the best of things to do, we manage to had fun! miss those sweet moments! I wish that we can our old time back, but I guess is just one season of our life where everyone go through to be closer to our destiny! looking forward to catch up. Is all because of a silly mistake but it did made both of us stronger!
My classmates are being great! accepting me and welcoming.
Especially those who personally knew that I was water baptized! God did something great for me! I'm grateful for whatever he has done!

After being in quite a dilemma about my future,
I choose to go Poly.
it has my interest and is very convenient for me to go to school which will allow me to have increase in Productivity and lesser time spend on traveling along with many other miscellaneous stuff.Hopefully I can enter through DPA!!! Also, along with the three other friends,we can open up a blogshop that sells our very own designed products! it will be awesome to work on a business plan! if it comes to past, I will put in alot of effort to build the business and who knows? it might become a local brand or beyond!

Lastly,my first week of was completely tedious and stretching!
even i slept at an average of 4 hours per day! the lord my God supplied me with the strength to not fall asleep in class,understand my work and having the strength to carry on studying! ultimately I just want to say that Leaning on God is better than anything)

All I can say now is....
Thank you Jesus! 1
for bringing me to where I am today!

feeling so bless! even though I'm not gonna have a good start after holidays!

2011-06-26T23:25:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to me!!! BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN!!!
AWESOME! really I declare that I died with Jesus and was resurrected like him!
feeling so great!!!
got my message bible at a really good price!
also!!! best of all!
the book that I secretly wanted to read since I hear my general talk about!
God's General!!!
expecting a new anointing from it!!!
and an impartation!

read the Baptism letter my CG gave me
touched my heart! even though it is just short little words~
I'm truly am bless!! happy to be Born Again!!

*walking in faith*

2011-06-26T01:48:00.000+08:00

sorry is all I can say

I'm sorry friend

my fault

hope we're cool

Excited to be BORN once again

2011-06-26T01:12:00.000+08:00

I'm kind of having super mixed feelings....
hearing stories after stories about people's experiences about water baptism...
ultimately...I'm feeling excited!
been a tough week mentally~
felt like I was constantly tested man....
old temptation coming back...but by GOD's grace! I'm here!
the same trick that the fallen has been using since day ONE!
consistently tapping on your shoulder and try to make you to doubt GOD....

crying out to you...
not gonna be the strong Man i thought i can be....
leaning on you is the best thing any man can do!
I pray as the old me die along with all the dirty bad past,
a new man and a new spirit will come forth as GOLD!
double portion oh lord!
I cry out to you! doesn't matter how many people will be there...as long as you are here!
because thats all I will ever need!

Wow~

2011-06-22T01:25:00.000+08:00

went for Leader's meeting...
not much of the preaching...
more about praying for people and speak a word to them.
quite freaky when doing it...it felt super DEJAVU !
prayed for ROY...and when he prayed for me...is as if God speaking to me...
assurance that he is always that despite all the happening around me.
after that...here comes the challenge, Gerald! I barely even know him...guess that was like my first time speaking to him...but glad I took the challenge!
as I was praying I felt this need to tell him to keep doing what he does best! and one day there will certainly be a super breakthrough!!!
when Gerald prayed for me( mind you,likewise! he don't even know me at all!)
he said that he saw me wearing a uniform...being active in campus ministry!! well...actually...frankly speaking..ever since knowing so many Assumptionites goes to church...I want to have a Revival Camp for all christians in the school...to have a platform for them unleash their talents...Assurance to let them know that they are not alone in school and together they can bring a mighty revival in the hearts of every student!
Revival to me is not all about bringing new people into church...
Revival is more about a christian reconcile with his/her vision to take a step of faith closer to DESTINY!!!
Also...I need to have a step of faith...to challenge myself to be a Cell group Leader...
guess I judge myself too much...not being better than the others and all...
I remembered at the Macdonalds when Jon gathered...Fabian and Roy to seat down
told us about being Connect Group Leader.at that point of time...I was doubtful...until I tried.
doesn't mean that I feel inadequate now....I will feel the same when I take the step of faith! challenge myself...will continue to wield myself into prayer.
I got to spend more time with God.
Excited for this Sunday's water Baptism...where my OLD man shall die into the water along with sins to come out as a NEW MAN!!!!
most importantly is the heart of willingness to take a leap of Faith! that greater things may abound into my hands....will keep praying about it.
Also...the YouthCamp was AWESOME!!! wished I could go for the full camp though....but the second day was so impacting!!! when Pst Kong shared about his story for the past year...I can totally feel the pain he felt...when faith wasn't there....BUT GOD was with him throughout the pain...
during the altar call...was one of the best worship session I ever had!!!
images of the past where Loneliness was all I felt...he reminded me that throughout my tough times he was consistently with me...never left his sight at me...I cried!!! guess it was my very first time tearing during worship...God felt sooo real to me!!

I want to know you Lord...
you are my great big God!! songs that remind me so much of you...
thank you Jesus...USE ME!!!

the song during the camp altar call...

the moment I will never forget how real you were to me!

thanks for Reminding me of who you are!

Thank you for not letting me go!

2011-06-14T23:23:00.000+08:00

Felt way better!!!
thank you Jesus for delivering me!
chasing away all the demons away!!
no words can explain how I thank you.....
your presence was so close to me,
nothing that i have ever felt in my life,was reminded of the times when you were there!
thank you Jesus!!
I will challenge myself to be a leader in your kingdom,
big things or small things, use me to do your work!
I will start from the members...no matter how hard it is...
I will do it!

there is always something to smile about

2011-06-02T22:59:00.000+08:00

even with all these multiple failures that occur....

my soul depletes...morale diminished....

but I will always remember one thing...

is easier to smile and walk on than to frown...

as I grew older...

silly yet wiser I had become...

I don;t go for all those fancy things to make me smile...

easy but yet meaningful stuff can totally change my day

a simple note?

a simple sms

a ordinary smile...

anything~

*SMILE BOY*

little solo jam session...

2011-06-01T22:03:00.000+08:00

the first one
I practiced it for quite sometime
the second one was pure random out of fun! teehee

Body Language....easiest to read~

2011-06-01T00:23:00.000+08:00

oh well....
guess is just me...
used to being a loner~
after the movie the goodbye you gave.....
习惯就好 ~
this year is only going to get tougher to live through...oh well...is 1st JUNE
abandon the mistakes...
look forward to build a better 2nd half
is not the bad past that determines you
gonna focus on been better!!
goodnight!
shall post about lessons from Kung Fu Panda!

Chinese Os

2011-05-29T23:33:00.000+08:00

When revising for my Chinese Os which is tml.....
I kind of have a slight regret that I did not study it seriously last time and all these catching up made me kind of miserable
But found a reason to hold on and be strong
Stumble upon my bro's secondary school Chinese composition file and a topic about being happy
Read it and the last part....I teared....
Because he was so strong when go through all the things that are happening to me and I have to be as strong as him and not stumble....true he may be totally different then me but we all are going through kind of the same shit...
Like what Mr Goh says....in life...shit happens....

Believing for an A2 if possible....
Place my hopes and trust in God...
I did what I can in all the ti e that I did not waste....just close my eyes and pray......

Going to church may be very lonely but it also remind me that God is with me no matter what....his presence is strong when I'm alone...indeed...when all you have is Jesus....thats where I realize that all I ever need is him alone...
Unconditional love from God....priceless

Alone but not lonely

2011-05-28T17:57:00.000+08:00

never really been to church alone,
so I'm going to try that out today....
it will just God,Desean and his words
looking forward to it.....

when she spoke about bring costume to wear during study camp for Goal setting.....
when asked "dress in who you want to be"
it got me Silent....
observing and listening to the ambitions of my peers...
I got me thinking...that I don't really know what i want to do....
quite "lost" not knowing what I want for myself in the future....
still Silent about it~

what do I really want to do?

*Deep Thoughts*

It takes two hands to clap! otherwise....whats the point?

2011-05-28T03:10:00.000+08:00

Went for "The Crucible"play by Arthur Miller.Well...from what I can gather in my Non-literature brain.
It is trying to depict the time in 1950s about the cold war, where Americans are super against the spread of communism that they are willing to capture anyone that is being suspect/accuse of communism and many innocent have been "forced" to confess to a crime they did not do.

my take of the story is that,

Is difficult to stay true to yourself but just be truthful to yourself.
when a mistake is made, don't continue, confess (forgive and forget)

very uncommon for me to really appreciates ARTs....theres not really much nice things to see but this play is really one that gives you the hunger to wanna see more.

Before the play, went out with my friends for lunch...
we grown so much apart and really glad that I have the opportunity to talk.
well you have a sweet girlfriend, despite your flaws and i believed people try to talk her out from the relationship but i can tell she really likes him a lot, so sweet eh ? I hope that I can see more from him, even though she might be boring as described, it takes two hands to clap soooo theres work to be done to make the relationship works and forget about the past, even when your Ex-GF is dating another guy....nonetheless...SO SWEET!
then another shocking discovery to know another relationship, all I can hope for that...
it will work it how...
as the traditional me believes that there is no point wasting each other's time if there wasn't any love in between...extreme sensitivity in a relationship can really be a bug~

well...been kind of exploring the soft spot in me eh?
keep reading "girls book" despite my claim to others that is just a normal story but really interested in romantic story, make my heart melt to relax~ can't blame me, still being strong!

thank Syirah for the autograph thing, for the initiative to write.
it made me smile:) even though i know you will not be reading this by any chance
is nice of you.

*Stay True*